Probably one of the most provocative shows of Frontera Fest is “Lovely Lincoln Lumps: The Story of Slutty Abraham Lincoln.” Sure to draw a large crowd, “Lincoln Lumps” is a one-woman show about the trials and travails of one of our nation’s sluttiest presidents, outside of Bill Clinton. Performance artist Stefany Wood will sing, dance and regale the audience with tales of this storied president. Through the technological power of our time machine here at UWeekly (it is really just a kiddie pool filled with Kentucky Deluxe and paint chips) we had the opportunity to speak to slutty Abraham Lincoln and find out a little more about this licentious leader of the free world.

UWeekly: Abraham, why are you so slutty?

Slutty Abraham Lincoln: That’s absurd! I’m a married man. I just dress like this so you won’t notice my hideous mole. I have what you might call “low self-esteem.”

UW: Do you think we should re-write history?

SAL: Overall I disagree with changing history. Except for the time I got shot in the head. I’d change that if I could.

UW: What do you hope the audience will take away from your show?

SAL: An encyclopedic knowledge of the intricacies of the Civil War, a childlike sense of wonder, thicker and more lustrous hair, and dick jokes. Lots of dick jokes.

UW: What is the show all about?

SAL: Imagine if Scarface and Amelie had a baby. Now imagine that baby had sex with one of the Transformers and they had a cyborg baby. Now imagine that baby is a real life Robocop, battling street crime. That was fun! The show’s about dick jokes, mostly.

Will Bass