Can they work?

It’s no secret that the queer community is a little more than eager to get sexual play. Our disproportionate sexual and romantic needs are evidenced by our dating and mating styles. Consequently, it’s also no secret that gays fuck around the most and lesbians couple up the most frequently. Since gays already engage in non-traditional relationships, being in an open relationship isn’t that far of a stretch. But can they work?

As humans, regardless of your sexual preferences, we are still built to fuck, and fuck as many people as we can. It’s only society and religion that tells us to be at conflict with our sexual natures. That may be part of the reason why so many people in society are bucking the system and trying things out for themselves. Tired of being told our true nature is abominable, us gays have taken things to the next level, politically and socially.

Too jealous, possessive and manipulative to even think about sharing my lover with another, I could never do it. But I do understand the appeal. You get to have your cake and eat it too. While I don’t have firsthand experience of trying to juggle four jugs at once, I have learned a thing or two from people who have done it.

While some were successful and some not so successful, each philandering gay I know taught me many valuable lessons along the way, not only of open relationships, but of all relationships in general.

Be open and upfront

You can’t be the only one in your relationship who wants an open relationship. While both of you may want to fuck another person from time to time, that’s much different than developing a polyamourous love triangle, or square or trapezoid.

You have to be 100% clear on what it is you want in your primary and secondary relationships. Do you want to have multiple lovers, or multiple people you are in love with? Do you want to date multiple people equally or do you want to keep your original partner as your main squeeze?

Most importantly, are you willing to lose your main partner in the pursuit of an open relationship? Are there some desires in life that are worth pursuing even at the risk of losing someone you love? Is being in an open relationship one of those desires?

Communication, communication, communication

Like in most relationships, communication is key. But for a polyamorous or open relationship, it’s like oxygen. You will not survive without it.

If you’re someone who doesn’t like to open up and honestly discuss every little thing you think and feel, if you don’t like to endlessly go over hypothetical situations or forecast obstacles in your future, chances are, you aren’t going to make it.

For open and poly couples, near-constant communication is the only way you’re going to swing this. You have to lay out, in writing if necessary, the parameters of the relationship you’re trying to create. You have to go over every little thing, including health risks.

• Can you date someone else, or just fuck them?
• When and where can you go out with them?
• Can you bring them back to your place?
• What happens if you run into your partner while out on a date?
• Can you use the sex toys you use together on your fuck buddy?
• Are you allowed to fall in love with someone else?

Deal breakers

You need to find out what it is you will not put up with under any circumstance. What are some things that could end a relationship for you? As with most things in life, you won’t know until you get there, but you have to try to know. You also have to be open and honest will all persons involved.

If being in an open relationship is something that you really want to do, it’s worth giving it a shot. But don’t go into it blindly. If you have trouble managing one relationship, chances are, you won’t have better luck managing multiple relationships.

Amanda Chappel